I think for those who know me, you understand that while money isn’t everything to me, I also can’t ignore the appeal of good money. Especially over the past eight years, when finances have been tight, I’ve often found myself spiraling into the thought: “Is this going to be my life until the day I die?” Needless to say, I’ve become pretty good friends with anxiety and the looming fear of “What if everything falls apart and I’m unprepared?”

Making a Difficult Decision

Even I was surprised when I decided to step away from one of my roles—a position that provided a substantial income—because it was taking such a toll on me. Without diving into all the stressful details, the role had a significant impact on my health. I was breaking down constantly and barely managing 4-5 hours of sleep daily. While some might thrive on such little rest, I couldn’t, and it was affecting every aspect of my life.

Then one day, and I credit this to a combination of talking to my sister (who always brings me clarity), attending a couple’s retreat (insights and learning in the next post), and the CTS program I joined—something just clicked. For the first time in eight years, I felt like I would be okay. Even with the loss of a significant portion of my income, I trusted that things would work out. This isn’t advice—take it with a grain of salt—but I trusted my gut and took the plunge. Letting go of that metaphorical burning coal I desperately needed on a cold winter day but also burning me brought an unexpected sense of warmth and calm.

And this is huge.

Because for the longest time, I’ve been the “what if (insert worst-case scenario)” kind of person. While I might seem pretty go-with-the-flow and happy-go-lucky on the surface (a façade, for real), I’m absolutely not one of those people who believes things will eventually work out. I’m the “shitty things may happen, and we should be prepared for it” kind of person—my tribe, where you at?

So imagine waking up one day and just smiling at Sean, who, bless his heart, has endured the full spectrum of my emotions daily. Though I like to think I bring a lot of excitement and unpredictability into his life. But yes, smiling at him and saying, “Hey, I think I’m gonna make a crazy decision, and I think we’re gonna be okay.” And he agreed—having seen firsthand and handled most of my breakdowns. I suppose when one spouse is scorching earth, the other can’t possibly remain unscathed.

So, together, we agreed, and I did what I needed to do. I chose myself—taking back my time, energy, and health.

What Happened Next?

Things began to flow. The other role, which had been stagnant for the past three years, suddenly came to life. The company was acquired, and I was reinstated with not only my previous responsibilities but also new opportunities to grow in the years ahead. Sean, my partner, found his breakthrough, and I was able to support him, which also brought financial stability to our household. A business we had nearly given up on resurfaced with new promise.

Simply put, things started to align, and I began to feel okay again. It’s almost as if the act of choosing myself over financial gain shifted everything around me. I also feel lighter, I look forward to each day and I haven't gotten tonsillitis since. 

That’s not to say I don’t have bad days or moments when thoughts like “What if it all goes south again?” don’t creep in. Of course, they do—I’m only human. I didn’t become a completely different person overnight. But those thoughts are more manageable now. When they occur, I can easily reassure myself with, “You’re going to be okay.”

Looking back, I realized that while I had time and flexibility—things I deeply value—the financial side was lacking. Because of my insecurity about money, I ended up sacrificing time and flexibility, essentially giving up my freedom, which is one of my core values. And I wasn’t happy.

Who says we have to sacrifice one for the other? That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. Yes, it might sound too good to be true, but it’s not entirely impossible. It all comes down to belief. If you believe something is possible, it is. If you don’t, then it becomes impossible. That’s another key lesson for me.

Reflecting on Scarcity and Manifestation

Sometimes I wonder if I had been manifesting my own fears. Recently, my friends were talking about human design chart and I delved into it, which revealed that I may have unconsciously created circumstances fueled by my scarcity mindset. The fear of being penniless may have driven me to chase money so intensely that it created more instances of scarcity. If you believe in such things, it’s a fascinating concept: scarcity breeds fear, which creates more scarcity.

TL:DR 

For once in my life, I chose myself over money, and everything changed. This lesson has been eight years in the making. While I’ve always understood the concept of abundance and scarcity, it wasn’t until now—deep in my soul—that I truly got it. I', not sure if you’ve heard of this before, but Jojo in Ohanajo once shared this framework of confidence and trust in oneself, and I think it’s very apt for this:

I think I can
I know I can
I believe I can
I can

And being in the space of “I can” made all the difference.